from autumn to ashes…

 
Must people be all evil in order to survive or get what they want?

Seriously, If you’re passive, quiet, polite and even nice to people you will find that you’ll either get used, mistreated, get pushed around and never get what you want and will feel forever unsatisfied.

Does that mean that being passive, quiet, polite, nice to people are forms of weaknesses? BUT WHY? If everyone are aggressive & ill-mannered towards one another, then wouldn’t the world be so chaotic?  (not like the world is not already chaotic anyway.)

I’ve been told countless times that I can’t be weak otherwise people will walk over me. But why do I find that it’s difficult to be aggresive? It’s not that I can’t be aggresive…. I could be if I want to, but it’ll mean that I’ll have to act like a pinkberry and make myself look like a pinkberry so that people would not bother to pick on me or mistreat me to their advantage.

But I can’t force myself to act like somebody who I am not… since it’s like creating an artificial image of myself (or “wearing a mask”) to make myself look tough on the outside.

Also, I like to ‘win people over’ and make them my friends…. not repelling them away from me or make them despise me that they turn into enemies. Seriously, what good does it make if I make people despise me? Even if I choose to be an aggressive, ill-mannered person, I’m afraid that I’ll lose myself as I become that character and can’t ever go back to my old self.

I do not want to conform to the ways of this world, but sometimes it’s inevitable to take up that aggressive character…..

Today was so stressfull. I hate this life. I have so much work to do and I don’t even have time to enjoy my life anymore. Everything is just work school work school work school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m so tired and frustrated that I have chest pains, this is bad.

I know I’ve changed. I can feel it in me when I do things. My view of things have changed. The way I do things have changed too….. But when someone tells me I’ve changed, I kind of stop in my tracks. They say that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing but… I feel like it is.

Apparently I used to fight for relationships. I would never want it to die. It doesn’t matter if I never recieved anything for my giving. I would just keep giving. I didn’t care if it took a lot of time and effort to do something for someone… I’d do it. I’d let them treat me like a crap and never really question their actions. I did all these because I didn’t want to lose them.

Now I have an almost completely different view on things. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of the pattern but I can’t keep giving if I never get anything in return. I feel like I could better use this energy in building another relationship. I don’t take the time and energy to do something for some people anymore. Well I do… but not to the extent I used to do it. I feel like there are certain relationships that I wouldn’t care so much if it didn’t continue.

Maybe it’s just because I’m tired of being taken for granted by some people. Maybe I’ve realized that some people just don’t treasure me as much as I treasure them and it hurts to keep trying. T_T 

I wonder if this is a good thing……….

I’ve grown up quite a bit. I’ve become more independent… and much stronger. So strong that my heart isn’t as breakable as it once used to be. I’m almost getting to a point where I’m going to regret being strong and not being able to cry as easily. It shows that I don’t care……..

but I do care.

I’m extremely sad. I’ve been keeping to myself lately. I don’t want to bother any of my friends about what’s been bothering me…

(oh wait… what am I talking about? I don’t have any friends… ) *barf*  oh well… I haven’t been doing much, and I’ve been feeling…. unappreciated? whatever. Im quitting the internet for now…..

I just need.. to disappear. =(